The Art Of Being Alone

Being alone has never been something that I was good at.  I know many who relish the chance to spend hours in their own company with no distraction but their own thoughts.  Me....not so much.

As a child being raised by my grandmother, I was often alone.  My aunts and uncles were older than myself by many years and they were at a different stage of life.  It was grandma and me.  And as much as I adored her, she was still 50 years my senior.  

I guess I was a bit of an odd duck for I had playmates but remember spending much time alone watching others play.  Always feeling like I wasn't included in the fun.  Throughout school I spent many nights once again in my own company and this continued on into university.  I was different than my classmates.  I lived on my own whereas most of them returned home at the end of the term and I would find myself again.....in my own company.  

Once I got married and had a family I filled my life and home with activity.  Not sure if this was just what I thought family meant or if it was my attempt at never to be alone.  And then family changed, kids grew up and husbands distanced themselves.....and here I am again in the unenviable position of being ALONE.

I could fight this terrible "disease" or I could embrace it.  How many of you actual enjoy the silence? 

At this stage of life I am learning that being alone and being lonely do not have to be the same thing.  Somehow I have superimposed one on top of the other to the point that they are interchangeable.  But I am learning this is not true.  Silence can be golden....not deafening.  Alone can be cathartic and not heartbreaking.  With each step I hope to make alone a good thing and remove that fear that has grown over time.  I wish to remove the strangle hold it holds over me and learn that my company is a treasure.  

Baby steps they say.  And so it is.  I will continue to use the tv for background noise or music to fill my time and from time to time I will allow the silence to enter my home like a dear friend.  I will embrace this ME time (maybe a name change will help remove the negative reaction) and take this chance to get to know me.  The real me that I have never really taken the chance to really know.

Lets see if being alone can be a good thing.